Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Miscarriage is an awful word

I debated whether or not I even wanted to share this.  Is this too personal or too much information? What it boils down to is this: I know that reading similar stories to what I am going through right now has been comforting in some strange way. There’s something about knowing that someone out there is feeling (or has felt in the past) the same way that I do right now, and understands the feelings… it makes me feel normal. So, between that and feeling the need to explain to you all why I haven’t been myself (aka MIA) the past week:

Today was supposed to be the day we would hear our baby’s heartbeat…

But that won’t be happening.

Let me rewind a little bit…

I always thought that when we were ready to have kids, I’d stop birth control and BAM we’d be pregnant.  As soon as Mike gave me the, “Okay I’m ready.” That would be it and 9 months later we would be holding a little baby.

Yah, that’s not exactly how it works.

Last summer, Mike and I started praying about when we would have kids. We knew it would be soon. I was ready whole-heartedly, but was waiting for Mike to be 100% in as well.

October rolled around and my brother and his wife announced that they were pregnant. It took EVERYTHING in me not to burst into tears. I was so happy for them, but at the same time I was broken-hearted because that was what I wanted for US. Well, Mike and I re-evaluated and I was overjoyed to hear him tell me he was FINALLY ready for us to start a family. I dumped my birth control into the garbage can and we began the TTC journey.

The first few months were a ‘bummer’ when it didn’t go as planned, but after a few more months went by my heart began to ache.  I started to become fear-stricken with the “What if we won’t EVER be able to get pregnant?” To worsen the pain, it seemed like everyone else’s husbands could just look at them and they’d be pregnant.  I lost count of the people that announced their pregnancies after about 25. No joke.

Please don’t take this the wrong way.  I don’t want any of my friends to think I wasn’t happy for them, because I was.  I was sincerely excited for each of them but then it would hit me like a punch in the gut and my heart would break for us. I would hold it together through the excitement, but then when I was alone I would burst into tears. Why was it so easy for everyone else? We’re doing everything by the books. Charting, taking temperatures, and even the use of a fertility monitor. Why wasn’t this easy for us?

I had to sit next to my pregnant sister in-law at work for her full 9 month pregnancy and hear everyone oogle over her growing belly every. single. day. (Heather knows i don’t mean this in a bad way… it was just an extremely challenging time for me).  I was SO happy for my brother and his wife (and SO excited about my little niece). It was just the most painful daily reminder that we WEREN’T pregnant. There were days that it took everything in me not to burst into tears.

People would constantly the ask painful questions like, “When are you guys going to have kids… I mean you’ve got to keep up with your brother now.”  Or offering up unsolicited advice like, “You need to wait x-amount of time before you have kids.” Or worse… women complaining about their pregnancies and/or their own children. My heart ached. I would kill to be in their shoes.

Month after month I would think, “this is it – this is THE month” only to pee on a stick and be filled with heartache when I saw “not pregnant” light up (AGAIN). Each time I would have to re-watch my husband’s heart break… see his dreams for finally being able to start working on the nursery that he had plans for, absolutely crushed.  He was FINALLY ready to start a family and it just wasn’t happening.

I really truly believe that God was (and still is) teaching us patience and trust. We prayed and prayed for 9 months for a child, my cycle would be wackier and wackier… a 43 day cycle  down to a 35 day one… then a 28 day one back to a 30 then a 50 day one… talk about ALL. OVER. THE. PLACE.

4th of July came. We were having friends over for dinner, and I had been cramping all day. I KNEW aunt flow was on her way, but I did the responsible thing and ran upstairs to get my shower and took a pregnancy test (just in case). I thought I’d see my “negative” like I’d seen at LEAST 2 1/2 dozen times before, and then I’d toss it in the garbage and move on with the night with a Margarita in hand. Well, I peed on the stick, and thought I might see the FAINTEST squinter appearing. Hubby and I weren’t sure if something was actually there or not, so we waited until the next morning.

5 am came around and I had been tossing for at least 30 minutes. I couldn’t stand it anymore; I LEAPED out of bed and took another test. It was still a faint line, but definitely more defined. Mike was STILL in disbelief so I pulled out a digital and took that one which confirmed it in big. beautiful. letters:


We were in shock and then we were elated… Absolutely elated! We were finally pregnant. Really truly pregnant! Our hearts were SO full of joy and excitement!

The next 3 weeks were pure bliss. I spent hours on Google searching all things pregnancy related. I bought a book about pregnancy that I couldn’t get my nose out of and I even started a pregnancy scrapbook. I researched the top baby registry items, picked out a crib that we loved, found nursery inspiration for both genders using and We took multiple trips to Babysrus and Pottery Barn Kids just to wander around… it was a blast. We were SO excited. Mike was JUST as excited as I was… He spent his time coming up with projects that needed to be done, ordering wood flooring to install in the nursery, planning the layout of the room. We were loving life.

Until last Tuesday came. I woke up to spotting and my heart DROPPED. I called the doctor and they assured me that everything should be fine and long as it was light and their was no cramping. They said to call them if the bleeding got heavier. Tuesday went on and the spotting would stop and then re-start again, but I didn’t have any cramping. It was one rollercoaster of a day and I felt extremely fearful. I just prayed that the spotting would stop.

Then Wednesday came (I was 7 1/2 weeks along) and I woke up and used the bathroom and saw the horrible sight of blood. Lots of blood. There is no worse feeling in the world. I began cramping and knew something wasn’t right. I cried and cried and prayed that everything would be okay. Why us? Why would we have to wait SO long to finally get pregnant and then it all end this way? Why?

I called the doctor and they told me to come in immediately. The doctor did an internal exam. She looked concerned but when she examined me and saw that my cervix was still closed, she said, “ok good.” She told me that she had bleeding in her first trimester and knows how scary it can be. She ordered an ultrasound be done an hour later so that I would have peace of mind and know what was going on one way or the other.

Well between the two appointments, I started having the most intense and painful cramping. I began bleeding. Even worse than before. The pain was worse than anything I had ever experienced and deep down I knew what the end result was going to be. I was scared. Absolutely terrified.

We went back to have the ultrasound done and I was doubled over in the waiting room chair from excruciating pain. The ultrasound tech did the ultrasound and said NOTHING. She took a TON of pictures but didn’t say a word to us. I knew though.

We were sent into the doctor’s office where she closed the door, handed us a box of tissues, and confirmed our worst nightmare.

Our baby wasn’t going to make it.

Turns out our doctor had been pregnant with twins and the bleeding she experienced was her miscarrying one of her babies. “Miscarriage” is such an awful word. It implies you did something wrong, when in most cases that is the opposite of the truth. Our doctor assured us that there was nothing we could have done, that the issue was a chromosomal issue that is just fluke. It didn’t make me feel any better but it was nice having an empathetic doctor who had been there before.

Last week, I read Emily’s (One Lovely Life) posts: Different Kinds of Love & A Mother Heart with tears streaming down my face. She put into words the EXACT things that my heart was feeling.

Now, Emily and I have never actually met in real life (we have visited each others blogs over the past few months & twittered)… for whatever reason, I felt the need to email her and ask her for advice knowing that she had once been in the EXACT same place as me.

It’s really hard for people to understand the feelings Mike and I are feeling when they haven’t been in our shoes. No one I know has prayed and prayed for a baby for over a year, FINALLY got pregnant to feel beyond overjoyed… and then have it GONE. In. an. instant.

Emily encouraged me to write about it, even though opening up and being this vulnerable is the last thing I wanted to do. I’m a very private person who doesn’t like to talk openly about emotional things. However, I decided to do it, and strangely have found it therapeutic in some odd way. So, thank you Emily for being so compassionate and for giving me the courage to write this.

Things I’ve learned in all of this (so far):

  • We may not have ever seen our baby, but from the second we saw “pregnant” on that stick, we loved our baby whole-heartedly. Emily wrote on her blog a quote that her mom used to tell her, “Grief is the price you pay for loving.” So So true. We loved our baby. We always will. There is nothing wrong with that. It will always be a piece of us.
  • I have a gem of a husband. This whole situation has put into perspective what an amazing man and husband Mike is. He has been so sweet and supportive… I just love him to pieces. This past week, I’ve had moments where my heart feels like it could literally burst with my love for him. Mike will make the most incredible father one day. I know that for certain.
  • Our family & friends have been so supportive, Mike and I are so blessed to have such support and love around us. My mom immediately drove up to come to the aid. She did laundry, cleaned, and helped us get back on our feet.  To those of you who have showered us with your love and prayers (you know who you are): thank you.
  • My employers and co-workers have been so sweet through everything. My boss told me to take as much time as I needed and allowed me to stay home for the rest of the week to get me through the weekend. I received text messages from the girls in the office, and had flowers on my desk from sweet Philomena (thank you). I realize how blessed I am to have such caring co-workers that are like family to me.
  • Last, but NOT least… God WILL get us through this. I know it. We have a peace that surpasses all understanding (not to say that our hearts don’t still ache, because they do), but we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him. We are clinging to that promise.

So that’s it. That’s all I wanted to say. I know that it is wordy, but for the sake of not having to re-hash the situation with person after person I wanted to explain everything here. It’s extremely difficult to talk about, and I’ve always been much better at writing my feelings than putting them into words.

So if I’m a little sporadic with my posting, you’ll now understand why and please just bear with me. And if I haven’t returned your calls / text messages you’ll now know why.

Thanks for listening. Love you all.

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141 Responses to “Miscarriage is an awful word”

  1. 1

    Ginnette — August 5, 2011 @ 3:50 pm

    I just want to tell you that you both are very young and have a full life to have babies. And they are methods that could help you too. Blessings for both of you. Wish you the best in your next search!

  2. 2

    Shannon — August 5, 2011 @ 4:14 pm

    Praying for the two of you. You’re story broke my heart and I absolutely cannot imagine how difficult that must have been. Sending you lots of love!

    • Kristina replied: — August 8th, 2011 @ 2:29 pm

      thank you Shannon

  3. 3

    mandy schneider — August 6, 2011 @ 7:13 pm

    Hi! I have to say my heart goes out to you and I’m one of those that doesn’t know you but would give you a great big hug if I could..I’m a mom of two and my daughter has PCOS and I know when she decides to have babies it’s going to be real hard for her, so I am so scared for her..So as a mom all I can give you is Cyber (((((hugs)))) ..never lose faith

    • Kristina replied: — August 8th, 2011 @ 2:29 pm

      thank you Mandy

  4. 4

    mom — August 6, 2011 @ 7:15 pm

    i love you 🙂

    • Kristina replied: — August 8th, 2011 @ 2:29 pm

      love you too

  5. 5

    Dee — August 7, 2011 @ 1:25 pm

    You are so brave to share that with us, and please know that your words have helped others today! My family will be praying for you.

    • Kristina replied: — August 8th, 2011 @ 2:29 pm

      thank you Dee

  6. 6

    Jennifer — August 10, 2011 @ 5:56 pm

    When I clicked on the link from for mango kiwi salsa, I never thought I’d be sitting here 10 minutes later with tears streaming down my face. I am so sorry for your loss. I have never had to go through anything like this, but I remember the horrible feeling that I would have when I was trying to get pregnant and found out I wasn’t. It’s wonderful that you have such a strong support system. I think I’ve fallen in love with Mike just hearing you talk about him. 🙂 Your words are so beautiful. You’re on the right track with putting your faith in God and trusting that he has a plan for you and your family. God bless and thank you for sharing.

    • Kristina replied: — August 11th, 2011 @ 12:46 pm

      thank you so much for your sweet words Jennifer…

  7. 7

    Melissa@IWasBornToCook — August 10, 2011 @ 10:35 pm

    I’m so sorry for your loss. I know all about what you’ve gone through and the heartbreak that goes along with it. It took us 2.5 years to conceive our daughter, after having 2 losses and 3 IVF cycles. Our little beauty is turning 3 in a few weeks…and I still can’t believe how blessed we are after our long and difficult journey. TALK to people – it’s amazing therapy. You WILL get through this and in the end, your dream will come true. Hang in there.

    • Kristina replied: — August 11th, 2011 @ 12:46 pm

      Thanks Melissa.

  8. 8

    Pam — August 11, 2011 @ 11:20 pm

    I’ve been where you are, and I know it’s not an easy place to be. But you’re right–God will see you through this. God will bless you in ways you can’t even imagine. I’m sorry for your loss and will keep you in my prayers.

  9. 9

    Robyn — August 13, 2011 @ 10:25 pm

    I am so very sorry for your incredible loss. I don’t know how you feel, it has never happened to me. It has made me appreciate my children and grandchildren more, if that is possible. I want to tell you something to make you feel better. Everyone has said God has a plan. I believe that God has a plan to bless you big…really big. I also know that you have blessed so many others by sharing your story. You may never know how far-reaching your story goes or how it will touch someone. My friend forwarded this blog posting to me, I am going to forward it to others who I know it will touch. Thank you. I’m so sorry for your loss. If it’s any consolation, you are being led by God to touch others! And, I can’t wait to continue to read about your blessings to come!

  10. 10

    michelle — August 14, 2011 @ 6:53 am

    Aw, I am so sorry I am “late” to read the news. I went through a very similar experience. My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage at 11 weeks. The ultrasound tech said NOTHING; and my “fill in” doctor told me the news.
    I had a lot of anger towards the ultrasound tech, mainly because I really just wanted to hear something I knew she couldn’t tell me.
    Over the next year, we tried and tried…every month was more disappointing.
    Then, one day…. it happened.
    Due to other circumstances, I had to get ultrasounds every two weeks. With that same girl.
    Seeing the same girl over a ten month period every two weeks… you get to know them. She ended up being a very dear friend of mine during that period. And, I realized that she could have lost her license by saying ANYTHING that day…
    It’s weird how God can place people and situations in your life.
    The memory and pain associated with my miscarriage still exhists; but it is also a reminder of even in the saddest of situations- there is always a hidden blessing. You may not even know it until 2 years later, like me.
    You will have a baby.
    I know two friends who were BOTH told by DOCTORS that it wouldn’t happen.
    You know what?
    It happened to both of them, without medical assistance. Now, they are both mommies to healthy girls. 🙂
    Keep up the faith. God has a plan for you- accept each moment as His plan… He will bless you both, 🙂 Love and hugs.

  11. 11

    Kristi — August 16, 2011 @ 3:56 pm

    I just found your blog this morning and I read this post. I am very, very sorry for your loss! I too went through this a few years ago. I wanted to share that this book, I’ll Hold You in Heaven, was a great comfort and wonderful peace for me after my miscarriage. I hope you will check it out.

    I am glad I found your blog and I look forward to reading more! You and your husband are in my prayers!

  12. 12

    Hester aka The Chef Doc — August 17, 2011 @ 1:19 pm

    I’m so sorry for your loss, Tina. Although I’m not at that part of my life to get pregnant, I can totally sympathize with you guys although I can’t fathom what it must feel like. All I can think of is getting really excited about something and then it doesn’t pan out 🙁 I’m so thinking of you and your husband and hope that you’ll get pregnant again soon 🙂 XOXO, Hester

  13. 13

    Cheri — August 20, 2011 @ 4:42 pm

    As someone that went threw this twice (on the EXACT same day 2 years in a row) I know exactly how you are feeling and am so sorry. I now have a beautiful child at 2.5 years old, and because the first two were taken from me I dont know if I could do it again. Time lessens all wounds, but scars do last forever. I hope that you will one day have a little one to hold. Although it doenst make you forget, it makes me a much more grateful mother. Good luck to you both.

  14. 14

    DD — August 22, 2011 @ 10:54 pm

    I stumbled across your blog through Tastespotting and my husband ran across this post and urged me to reach out to you. We also had a very tough time conceiving and as happy as I was for my friends and family who announced their pregnancies around the time we were trying to conceive, I too would be heartbroken for us. We had to go the IVF route but eventually conceived after over a year of trying. We have the most precious little boy now and I think that if any of those other tries had worked, it wouldn’t be THIS baby. Stay strong, I have faith that you will have a successful pregnancy. Just don’t lose hope!

  15. 15

    Michelle — August 24, 2011 @ 1:52 pm

    Just found your blog today and this is one of the 1st posts I read. Just wanted to let you know how sorry I am for you two and I will be praying for you. We have been ttc for almost 3 years, and are now going to a specialist. Thinking of you, M

  16. 16

    Jessica @ How Sweet — August 26, 2011 @ 3:29 pm

    I feel like such a complete jerk that I am just seeing this post now. I am so, so, so sorry! I can’t even imagine what you guys went through. You seem like one of the strongest people (and couples) and if anyone can make it through, it has to be you. <3

    • Kristina replied: — October 5th, 2011 @ 11:11 am

      oh my gosh- don’t feel like a jerk… thank’s for you sweet words… i SO appreciate them 🙂

  17. 17

    Stephanie — September 9, 2011 @ 3:23 pm

    I just found your blog through a link from another one. I know this is after the fact, but do not give up and you are very brave for posting this very private part of your life. I personally have been through it-after waiting for my husband to agree to children, we tried for 5 years (yes 5 years), all sorts of fertility treatments, and I had 7 miscarriages in 5 pregnancies (triplets the last time when I kept one of them). I now have a wondeful 4 year old son, and due to some other problems I experienced during child birth was not able to have anymore. So last February we experienced the birth of our second son whom we adopted. He’s such a joy. Do not give up-have faith and God will carry you through. I once had a doctor tell me anyone can get pregnant, you just have to be willing to keep trying. So good luck to you and keep your faith.

  18. 18

    Kim — October 27, 2011 @ 9:00 pm

    I am crying reading your story! I am so sorry:( I am not sure if this is the right thing to say, but I have had friends who have had similar situations happen to them. Because of this, when I had my baby I never complained about how tired I was and I never get impatient with him. I make sure that I enjoy every minute with him. The reason for this is because I know that there are others like you who wish they could attend to a crying baby at night even if it meant not sleeping at night. It makes me be more appreciative of what I have. Do not give! My sister in law was told she would never have kids. Now she has 2. Sending you and your hubby lots of hugs!

  19. 19

    Kelly — November 3, 2011 @ 3:17 pm

    I just found out I had a missed miscarriage. It’s terrible, devastating, unbelievable. I’m so sorry for your loss.

  20. 20

    Monique — November 9, 2011 @ 12:28 pm

    Wow! I googled a chicken tortilla soup recipe and found myself tearing up 5 minutes later! A powerful story!!! Thank you for sharing

  21. 21

    Jenny — November 15, 2011 @ 6:56 pm

    Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I happened to click on a tortilla soup recipe on a friend’s Facebook page only to find out about your miscarriage. I miscarried 2 months ago at 11 weeks. Today has just been a rough day, and I needed to hear from someone who has been through the same thing. I know how difficult it is to talk about it, so thank you for being brave enough to speak up.

  22. 22

    Teri — December 3, 2011 @ 1:54 pm

    Hi Tina. I stumbled upon your blog accidentally and read of your experience with a heavy heart. I’m so sorry for the loss you’ve experienced. In spite of all you’ve been through, your attitude, faith and trust in God are amazing! He does have a plan for you and, although it’s so hard for all of us to adjust to doing things in His time, it will work out for the best.

    Have you given any thought to adoption? I know… you want to try it yourself. I did, too! I actually hadn’t given any thought at all to adoption. I wanted to have my very own baby!! My husband and I had been trying to conceive for quite some time, but it just wasn’t happening. Eventually, a situation arose where two babies needed someone to care for and love them. I had no choice because my heart took over (which I’m pretty sure now was the hand of God at work). We took in those two children and became immediate parents to 18-month-old twins!! Before we could even sign the adoption papers (although it was already final in my heart), I was pregnant!! My doctor teased that if you want to get pregnant, just adopt first because the same thing happened to him! As selfish as it now sounds, if I had gotten pregnant first, I might not have been so quick to step in and adopt. I thank God for doing it in HIS time. I later became pregnant again and now have four wonderful children, all of whom I love dearly. Two happened to be born under my heart, but all were born in it.

    Anyway, I guess I just wanted to share this experience to help you in your faith that God does have a plan… in His time. Be open to any and all possibilities. I’ll be anxious to read about your journey into motherhood one day and, although we’ve never met, know you will be a wonderful mother and your children will be blessed to have you! God Bless you and your husband!

  23. 23

    stacy — January 4, 2012 @ 12:47 pm

    Hi Tina, I found your blog while looking for a chicken tortilla soup recipe. Then I read about yr baby trials. I did the fertility stuff to get my daughter and had tried for years to get pregnant. One of my problems was that I did not make enough progesterone. My cycles were eratic and that can be a sign of that. Progesterone is what keeps the embryo where it is supposed to be. I am sure that I had miscarriages before but I did not realize this was my problem. It is an easily solved problem. You just have to use these gross suppository thingies. I told one of my friends this same advice and vioila first cycle she got pregnant. Good luck to you.

  24. 24

    Michelle — January 5, 2012 @ 12:15 am

    Just came acoss your blog today via pinterest. Thank you for sharing. My husband isn’t at that 100% point yet and a journey like yours once he is there 100% is a fear I’ve been trying to hand over to God. Seems like He keeps giving me little nudges to look at that fear and deal with it. Thank you for being another nudge. :o)

  25. 25

    Chris — January 6, 2012 @ 12:32 pm

    I just stumbled upon your blog looking for a tortilla recipe, but I don’t think it’s ever too late to give encouragement after such a loss. I suffered two devastating miscarriages prior to the birth of my daughter, and your words echo with me – they were my words at the time. My daughter is 11 now, so keep the faith that something good will come when the time is right. I also had the most bizarre cycles and eventually stopped trying – after 10 more years -for a second child, but last year, I delivered a beautiful healthy boy. He was a gift from heaven, conceived on the 5th day of my cycle. Our bodies don’t always cooperate, I know all too well. And it turns out my body never ovulated mid-cycle. I wish you the best of luck. It sounds like you will be amazing parents and I’ll follow your blog looking for the good news!

  26. 26

    Megan — January 11, 2012 @ 4:31 pm

    I just stumbled upon your blog via BlogHer. I read your Cuban pizza recipe, then followed the link… Thank you for sharing your story. It is hard for us mamas who have lost little ones to cope with things sometimes. I was pregnant four times, and lost four babies, before I had my little girl last year. She is ten months old now. I still remember each pregnancy, each heartache, and I still love those little ones even if I can’t hold them while I’m here on earth. I am praying for you and your journey. Thank you for giving strength and courage to so many other women who have been and will be where you are.

  27. 27

    Nicole — February 2, 2012 @ 2:04 am

    WOW! I was sent to your site from Gojee for a recipe….and kept browsing around. I grateful that you shared your story. You summed up everything I have been feeling for the past few months. My husband and I experienced a miscarriage on 11/7/11… still hurts today. I just started a blog, so that I can share my thoughts on it. Thanks again for sharing. I pray your strength!!!

  28. 28

    Angela — March 10, 2012 @ 6:43 pm

    I googled “mashed red potatoes” and here I am reading your sad story. Funny how things work… I lost my son, Jake, after a perfect, full term pregnancy. He lived 5 days and died due to a freakish intercranial hemorrhage. Needless to say—worst.experience.EVER! Then, to my surprise, for the two years that followed I experienced infertility. Talk about adding insult to injury. I did seek treatment from a fertility specialist. Turns out I had endometriosis (with no prior symptoms). I had outpatient surgery. I now have two daughters that are 5 and 2. They are amazing and were worth every minute I had to wait. The main reason I felt compelled to comment was because the date of your initial story was August 3. That was my son’s birthday. This year he would have been 9. I also wanted to recommend a book by Bernadette Keaggy called Losing You Too Soon. It was so encouraging to me. You may have heard of Phil Keaggy. He is a christian musician. I wish the very best for you and your husband. Infertility can be such a long, lonely, bumpy road.

  29. 29

    Alyssa — March 12, 2012 @ 1:57 pm

    A friend sent me a link to your blog today. My husband & I also have experienced infertility & miscarriage. We lost our baby in February 2010 & there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about her & wonder if God will bless a with a living child. Even if He chooses not too, we also believe…He is still good & He has good plans for us. I also started writing/blogging to find a way to get through the grief & it has been so very healing. I look forward to reading the rest of your blog. Blessings to you & your husband.

  30. 30

    Jen — March 13, 2012 @ 2:19 pm

    Tina- Like you, it I find it hard to express myself with such a delicate topic. Personal, emotional, draining.

    Almost four years ago I had a beautiful baby boy. Even after having him I knew our little family wasn’t complete. However, I had this fear of having two children in diapers at the same time when my husband and I were living pay check to pay check. We always figured that 3 years apart was a great move. Just in time to start trying to conceive I had a million medical problems pop up, where my doctor informed me that if I were to get pregnant chances were neither the baby nor I would make it. After being given a clean bill of health in June ’11, my husband and I were eager to get pregnant. Our son was turning 3 and now there would be almost 4 years between the kiddos. With the first pregnancy we were pregnant the same month we started trying…giving us high hopes that the same thing would happen this time around. Seven months later we finally got a positive test. Three days after the positive test, the bleeding and cramping started. Three weeks ago we were informed that we had miscarried… We decided to tell family so we would have the support during this time… now I’m looked at like a leper. Exiled by my own family because I could not do what was expected A) carry a baby to full term and B)keep quiet about my own failures.

    Tina- Keep you head up and embrace all of us who are right there with you. My heart goes out to you.
    “Beautiful picutres are developed from negatives in a dark room…so if you see darkness in your life, be reassured that a beautufl picture is being prepared.”

  31. 31

    Becky B — June 3, 2012 @ 11:06 pm

    I just wanted to THANK YOU for sharing this. I feel strongly that God is currently working in my life because I feel very strongly that I was supposed to read this. I too, have been trying to get pregnant and thought “I’m totally healthy, this will be a breeze!” …..doesn’t exactly work that way. I know that when you pray for patience God doesn’t just hand you patience. It comes in terms of trials that will reap patience. (That would be nice though) I am trying to learn to not be such a control freak and this seems to be my lesson in opening up my life to His plan.

    I ran across your blog after I clicked on one of your pins for CROCK POT PORK! That’s what I was looking for but digging a little deeper I found exactly what I needed. Someone who could express themselves honestly and openly. Crazy right?!I typically find solace venting to my best friend/sister however, when she is 18 weeks pregnant it changes things a bit. (Def. am happy for her thought don’t get me wrong:))

    I just wanted to share that your blog has truly touched me in that I feel God provided me with what I needed to hear through you. Thank you. I hope that gives you encouragement in knowing how real He is in our lives.

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    Wendy — June 24, 2012 @ 6:27 pm

    Wow! I was just looking for chicken tortilla soup and stumbled upon your blog.
    I don’t know where you are currently at in your journey to parenthood, but I wanted to say this happened to me as well. My mother had myself and my two sisters with no problems, no miscarriages, no spotting, etc. I thought it would be easy for me too but NOT! In fact, all three of us (my two sisters and myself) have lost babies. It took me over two years to get pregnant, and my sister four years. Between us we have four babies waiting on us in heaven. It’s always horrible and the worst kind of emotional pain, but Gods timing is always perfect. I wish you a very blessed journey and lots of babies!
    P.s. We all ended up with precious children, currently 8 boys and 1 girl between us!

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    Aubree — August 26, 2012 @ 8:06 pm

    thank you for sharing this. my heart goes out to you and Hubs. My husband and I have begun to talk about getting pregnant, but we decided to put it off for a few years so we can do some traveling. Part of it makes me sad because i feel a yearning to have children, but i know i must wait until both of us are ready.
    you have a truely wonderful husband, and yes you are very blessed. everything will work out in the end. keep the faith and thank you again for sharing.

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    Sarah — August 29, 2012 @ 9:10 pm

    Reading your story gives me such comfort, and hope for the future. I found out this week I miscarried twins at 9 weeks. Knowing others have been where I am makes the world just a little less lonely. Thank you for sharing.

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    Tiffany — November 18, 2012 @ 4:36 pm

    Thank you so much for being willing to share and follow God’s leading. We have experienced the same thing and it is in fact devastating. But I know that God is good and His love is incredible and real. Thank you for your encouragement. Just wanted you to know you are reaching people you don’t even know! I love the body of Christ! Many prayers and love through Him ~Tiffany

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    Megan — August 5, 2013 @ 5:20 pm

    Hey girl. I sorta know your pain. We have been trying for three years and I finally got a positive, and then lost it the next day. Not the same as going to the doc and having confirmation and carrying it for three weeks, but still knowing I was pregnant and then I was not. It was rough. But you are right about God’s will and his Grace. It’s gotten me through.

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