Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Miscarriage is an awful word

I debated whether or not I even wanted to share this.  Is this too personal or too much information? What it boils down to is this: I know that reading similar stories to what I am going through right now has been comforting in some strange way. There’s something about knowing that someone out there is feeling (or has felt in the past) the same way that I do right now, and understands the feelings… it makes me feel normal. So, between that and feeling the need to explain to you all why I haven’t been myself (aka MIA) the past week:

Today was supposed to be the day we would hear our baby’s heartbeat…

But that won’t be happening.

Let me rewind a little bit…

I always thought that when we were ready to have kids, I’d stop birth control and BAM we’d be pregnant.  As soon as Mike gave me the, “Okay I’m ready.” That would be it and 9 months later we would be holding a little baby.

Yah, that’s not exactly how it works.

Last summer, Mike and I started praying about when we would have kids. We knew it would be soon. I was ready whole-heartedly, but was waiting for Mike to be 100% in as well.

October rolled around and my brother and his wife announced that they were pregnant. It took EVERYTHING in me not to burst into tears. I was so happy for them, but at the same time I was broken-hearted because that was what I wanted for US. Well, Mike and I re-evaluated and I was overjoyed to hear him tell me he was FINALLY ready for us to start a family. I dumped my birth control into the garbage can and we began the TTC journey.

The first few months were a ‘bummer’ when it didn’t go as planned, but after a few more months went by my heart began to ache.  I started to become fear-stricken with the “What if we won’t EVER be able to get pregnant?” To worsen the pain, it seemed like everyone else’s husbands could just look at them and they’d be pregnant.  I lost count of the people that announced their pregnancies after about 25. No joke.

Please don’t take this the wrong way.  I don’t want any of my friends to think I wasn’t happy for them, because I was.  I was sincerely excited for each of them but then it would hit me like a punch in the gut and my heart would break for us. I would hold it together through the excitement, but then when I was alone I would burst into tears. Why was it so easy for everyone else? We’re doing everything by the books. Charting, taking temperatures, and even the use of a fertility monitor. Why wasn’t this easy for us?

I had to sit next to my pregnant sister in-law at work for her full 9 month pregnancy and hear everyone oogle over her growing belly every. single. day. (Heather knows i don’t mean this in a bad way… it was just an extremely challenging time for me).  I was SO happy for my brother and his wife (and SO excited about my little niece). It was just the most painful daily reminder that we WEREN’T pregnant. There were days that it took everything in me not to burst into tears.

People would constantly the ask painful questions like, “When are you guys going to have kids… I mean you’ve got to keep up with your brother now.”  Or offering up unsolicited advice like, “You need to wait x-amount of time before you have kids.” Or worse… women complaining about their pregnancies and/or their own children. My heart ached. I would kill to be in their shoes.

Month after month I would think, “this is it – this is THE month” only to pee on a stick and be filled with heartache when I saw “not pregnant” light up (AGAIN). Each time I would have to re-watch my husband’s heart break… see his dreams for finally being able to start working on the nursery that he had plans for, absolutely crushed.  He was FINALLY ready to start a family and it just wasn’t happening.

I really truly believe that God was (and still is) teaching us patience and trust. We prayed and prayed for 9 months for a child, my cycle would be wackier and wackier… a 43 day cycle  down to a 35 day one… then a 28 day one back to a 30 then a 50 day one… talk about ALL. OVER. THE. PLACE.

4th of July came. We were having friends over for dinner, and I had been cramping all day. I KNEW aunt flow was on her way, but I did the responsible thing and ran upstairs to get my shower and took a pregnancy test (just in case). I thought I’d see my “negative” like I’d seen at LEAST 2 1/2 dozen times before, and then I’d toss it in the garbage and move on with the night with a Margarita in hand. Well, I peed on the stick, and thought I might see the FAINTEST squinter appearing. Hubby and I weren’t sure if something was actually there or not, so we waited until the next morning.

5 am came around and I had been tossing for at least 30 minutes. I couldn’t stand it anymore; I LEAPED out of bed and took another test. It was still a faint line, but definitely more defined. Mike was STILL in disbelief so I pulled out a digital and took that one which confirmed it in big. beautiful. letters:


We were in shock and then we were elated… Absolutely elated! We were finally pregnant. Really truly pregnant! Our hearts were SO full of joy and excitement!

The next 3 weeks were pure bliss. I spent hours on Google searching all things pregnancy related. I bought a book about pregnancy that I couldn’t get my nose out of and I even started a pregnancy scrapbook. I researched the top baby registry items, picked out a crib that we loved, found nursery inspiration for both genders using and We took multiple trips to Babysrus and Pottery Barn Kids just to wander around… it was a blast. We were SO excited. Mike was JUST as excited as I was… He spent his time coming up with projects that needed to be done, ordering wood flooring to install in the nursery, planning the layout of the room. We were loving life.

Until last Tuesday came. I woke up to spotting and my heart DROPPED. I called the doctor and they assured me that everything should be fine and long as it was light and their was no cramping. They said to call them if the bleeding got heavier. Tuesday went on and the spotting would stop and then re-start again, but I didn’t have any cramping. It was one rollercoaster of a day and I felt extremely fearful. I just prayed that the spotting would stop.

Then Wednesday came (I was 7 1/2 weeks along) and I woke up and used the bathroom and saw the horrible sight of blood. Lots of blood. There is no worse feeling in the world. I began cramping and knew something wasn’t right. I cried and cried and prayed that everything would be okay. Why us? Why would we have to wait SO long to finally get pregnant and then it all end this way? Why?

I called the doctor and they told me to come in immediately. The doctor did an internal exam. She looked concerned but when she examined me and saw that my cervix was still closed, she said, “ok good.” She told me that she had bleeding in her first trimester and knows how scary it can be. She ordered an ultrasound be done an hour later so that I would have peace of mind and know what was going on one way or the other.

Well between the two appointments, I started having the most intense and painful cramping. I began bleeding. Even worse than before. The pain was worse than anything I had ever experienced and deep down I knew what the end result was going to be. I was scared. Absolutely terrified.

We went back to have the ultrasound done and I was doubled over in the waiting room chair from excruciating pain. The ultrasound tech did the ultrasound and said NOTHING. She took a TON of pictures but didn’t say a word to us. I knew though.

We were sent into the doctor’s office where she closed the door, handed us a box of tissues, and confirmed our worst nightmare.

Our baby wasn’t going to make it.

Turns out our doctor had been pregnant with twins and the bleeding she experienced was her miscarrying one of her babies. “Miscarriage” is such an awful word. It implies you did something wrong, when in most cases that is the opposite of the truth. Our doctor assured us that there was nothing we could have done, that the issue was a chromosomal issue that is just fluke. It didn’t make me feel any better but it was nice having an empathetic doctor who had been there before.

Last week, I read Emily’s (One Lovely Life) posts: Different Kinds of Love & A Mother Heart with tears streaming down my face. She put into words the EXACT things that my heart was feeling.

Now, Emily and I have never actually met in real life (we have visited each others blogs over the past few months & twittered)… for whatever reason, I felt the need to email her and ask her for advice knowing that she had once been in the EXACT same place as me.

It’s really hard for people to understand the feelings Mike and I are feeling when they haven’t been in our shoes. No one I know has prayed and prayed for a baby for over a year, FINALLY got pregnant to feel beyond overjoyed… and then have it GONE. In. an. instant.

Emily encouraged me to write about it, even though opening up and being this vulnerable is the last thing I wanted to do. I’m a very private person who doesn’t like to talk openly about emotional things. However, I decided to do it, and strangely have found it therapeutic in some odd way. So, thank you Emily for being so compassionate and for giving me the courage to write this.

Things I’ve learned in all of this (so far):

  • We may not have ever seen our baby, but from the second we saw “pregnant” on that stick, we loved our baby whole-heartedly. Emily wrote on her blog a quote that her mom used to tell her, “Grief is the price you pay for loving.” So So true. We loved our baby. We always will. There is nothing wrong with that. It will always be a piece of us.
  • I have a gem of a husband. This whole situation has put into perspective what an amazing man and husband Mike is. He has been so sweet and supportive… I just love him to pieces. This past week, I’ve had moments where my heart feels like it could literally burst with my love for him. Mike will make the most incredible father one day. I know that for certain.
  • Our family & friends have been so supportive, Mike and I are so blessed to have such support and love around us. My mom immediately drove up to come to the aid. She did laundry, cleaned, and helped us get back on our feet.  To those of you who have showered us with your love and prayers (you know who you are): thank you.
  • My employers and co-workers have been so sweet through everything. My boss told me to take as much time as I needed and allowed me to stay home for the rest of the week to get me through the weekend. I received text messages from the girls in the office, and had flowers on my desk from sweet Philomena (thank you). I realize how blessed I am to have such caring co-workers that are like family to me.
  • Last, but NOT least… God WILL get us through this. I know it. We have a peace that surpasses all understanding (not to say that our hearts don’t still ache, because they do), but we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him. We are clinging to that promise.

So that’s it. That’s all I wanted to say. I know that it is wordy, but for the sake of not having to re-hash the situation with person after person I wanted to explain everything here. It’s extremely difficult to talk about, and I’ve always been much better at writing my feelings than putting them into words.

So if I’m a little sporadic with my posting, you’ll now understand why and please just bear with me. And if I haven’t returned your calls / text messages you’ll now know why.

Thanks for listening. Love you all.

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141 Responses to “Miscarriage is an awful word”

  1. 1

    Erin — August 3, 2011 @ 9:31 am

    I am so sorry to hear that it didn’t work out.

    • Kristina replied: — August 8th, 2011 @ 2:29 pm

      Thank you.

  2. 2

    Ashley — August 3, 2011 @ 9:38 am

    I’m very sorry

    • Kristina replied: — August 8th, 2011 @ 2:29 pm

      Thanks Ashley

  3. 3

    Shannon O'Connell — August 3, 2011 @ 9:42 am

    My prayers and thoughts are with you. As someone who had been trying to get pregnant for almost two years (and finally given up) I can sympathize with you. It seems like EVERYBODY is pregnant, but me. It sucks. I wish you and your hubby all the best. Many hugs, Shannon

    • Kristina replied: — August 8th, 2011 @ 1:58 pm

      Know that you aren’t the only one out there… I’ll be praying for you.

  4. 4

    Dianna @ The Kitchen Prep — August 3, 2011 @ 9:49 am

    Kristina, you & your husband will be in my prayers, that God may heal the aching in your hearts. It is very brave of you to share your thoughts and emotions, and I assure you that though we may be “strangers”, your words have touched my heart. What a wonderful blessing to have the support of a wonderful husband, family, and friends that lift you up in times like these. Sending positive thoughts your way!

    • Kristina replied: — August 8th, 2011 @ 1:55 pm

      Thank you Dianna

  5. 5

    Melissa — August 3, 2011 @ 10:15 am

    Kristina, I’m so sorry to hear about your heartache. I can’t even begin to imagine the grief that you have been experiencing, but I think it is wonderful that you found some solace in expressing your feelings through writing. Sometimes the worst of times makes us grateful for the good thins in our lives, and puts in perspective what we do have. It is great to hear that you are remaining positive and thankful for your husband and everyone that cares about you. One thing that I have learned is that things do happen for a reason, and for some reason, you and Mike will make amazing parents at a later date. Thank you for sharing your story with us, and I hope that every day gets easier and more hopeful for your future!

    • Kristina replied: — August 8th, 2011 @ 1:55 pm

      Thank you Melissa…

  6. 6

    Molly — August 3, 2011 @ 10:24 am

    I read your blog, and don’t know you personally, but this made me tear up quite a bit. I’m only 21 and have never gone through pain like I’m sure you’re experiencing and my heart just breaks for you. God’s plans aren’t always our plans and I pray that you and your husband have a happy and bright future even though there is pain now. He’s always watching out for you, even in your worst moments. You’re in my thoughts and prayers.

    • Kristina replied: — August 8th, 2011 @ 1:56 pm

      Thank you so much for the prayers… we have definitely felt them. I know God has a plan for us and we can’t wait to find out what it is.

  7. 7

    Tarayn Comer — August 3, 2011 @ 10:34 am

    You will be blessed for sharing!! This is something a lot of women go through but never talk about! My husband and I have a VERY similar story and we are still praying and trusting in God’s timing! I did the same thing–1. Quit STRESSFUL job while convincing hubs it was time to start trying 2. Stopped birth control (Jan 2010) 3. POAS every single month and FINALLY got a positive on Sept 1, 2010 (8 months worth of disappointment). We were estatic and couldn’t wait to start planning for our new bundle of joy!! We were finishing up building a new home and would be moving in two weeks so I had every detail planned out all the way down to what week we would tell our parents and how we’d go about surprising everyone! On Sunday, sept 12, 2011 (4 days before we would move into our new home) I started bleeding. My hubs was out of town and I called him in a panic I just knew what I was feeling wasn’t normal. The bleeding continued and I went to the doctor the following morning. That whole ordeal was not empathetic at all–I saw a doctor on call who happened to be a man who informed me that if I’d not tested SO early then I may have never known I was pregnant! Really? My cycles were all over the place and I had No clue when I ovulated! After a series of test and blood work over the next four days I was finally informed that I was not pregnant.

    My husband and I are still actively trying and haven’t been pregnant since but we will mark our year anniversary this month! I’m praying for God’s timing NOT ours but that’s still hard, EVERYDAY! He’s def taught me patience and faith and I still believe our gift is being fearfully and wonderfully made by our creator!
    Than you for sharing your testimony!! You are right, God will provided to those that love him. If he gave us everything we always wanted right away we wouldn’t need him! 🙂
    Btw…today’s the first time I’ve ever read your blog! I can’t wait to dig in more!!

    • Kristina replied: — August 8th, 2011 @ 2:01 pm

      Thanks so much for sharing your story Tarayn. One thing I’ve learned through all of this is that I am not in control. You can do everything right and try all the “things” to up your chances of getting pregnant, but it doesn’t matter because WE are not in control… God is. I think he is teaching my OCD/planner self a lesson on that through this…

  8. 8

    Megan — August 3, 2011 @ 10:43 am

    T-isn’t it amazing God had this plan for your blog that would help heal you during this time? we love you and want you to call if you ever need anything. We’ll figure out how to ship falafel for those sad days. 🙂 thinking of you daily and sending our love.

    • Kristina replied: — August 8th, 2011 @ 2:04 pm

      Thank Meg! love you guys.

  9. 9

    kath — August 3, 2011 @ 11:44 am

    I’m so sorry for you guys. Thanks so much for sharing.

    • Kristina replied: — August 8th, 2011 @ 2:02 pm

      thank you Kath

  10. 10

    Lauren — August 3, 2011 @ 12:02 pm

    I am so sorry to hear about what u have been going thru. I am on the same page as you (having gone thru my second miscarriage recently). Hang in there; it sounds like you have and incredible support team. Sending love your way.

  11. 11

    natalie (the sweets life) — August 3, 2011 @ 12:02 pm

    oh Kristina, I am SO sorry. I will absolutely be praying for you. I wish I had words to say to make it all better, but unfortunately all I can do is tell you I’m praying…we both know God’s going to take care of this, that this is all part of His greater plan, and that He can and will be your greatest source of comfort during this time!!

    Thinking about you!

    • Kristina replied: — August 8th, 2011 @ 2:02 pm

      Thanks so much for your prayers girl… we are SO very appreciative. God is good… even in the hard times.

  12. 12

    emily — August 3, 2011 @ 12:17 pm

    Tina, you couldn’t have written about something so difficult any more beautifully than you did. My heart still aches for you. You’re in my prayers. Thinking of you!

    • Kristina replied: — August 8th, 2011 @ 2:03 pm

      Thanks so much for your encouragment to do this, Emily. You are right, it DOES feel good to get it all out there and off of my chest. Thanks for your prayers! 🙂

  13. 13

    Marina S. — August 3, 2011 @ 12:18 pm

    I am so sorry to hear about what you have gone through. I don’t think anyone can understand exactly how you feel. The only thing to do is to pray – and to keep hope. He has a plan for you, it may just be on a different time line.

    I’ll be sure to say a prayer for you. Thanks for your honesty in sharing.

    God Bless

    • Kristina replied: — August 8th, 2011 @ 2:04 pm

      thank you Marina

  14. 14

    Emily @ NewlyWife — August 3, 2011 @ 12:44 pm

    My heart is just aching for you. I’m so so so sorry to hear this. You seem like such a sweet couple and it just doesn’t seem fair. I pray that you would feel the Lord’s healing comfort and that one day he might provide you with a little one. I know it must have been hard to open up like this, but thank you so much for sharing.

    • Kristina replied: — August 8th, 2011 @ 2:05 pm

      Thank you for the encouragement emily 🙂

  15. 15

    Brooke @ Waiting to Rise — August 3, 2011 @ 12:50 pm

    I am so sorry to hear about your struggle. You and your family will be in my prayers. Thank you for opening up. Realize you aren’t the only one who is going through the same emotions you are. And this is healing not only for you, but for those people who are feeling the same things you are. I send you my love.


    • Kristina replied: — August 8th, 2011 @ 2:26 pm

      thank you Brooke

  16. 16

    Megan — August 3, 2011 @ 1:00 pm

    My heart breaks for you as I’ve gone through the same experience and truly know the exact heartache your going through. My husband and I lost our first baby at 8 1/2 weeks. We tried for a little over 6 months and finally the test said “pregnant” We were so excited and told everyone, only to tell them of our loss soon after. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through both emotionally and physically. I went through a lot of questions in my head afterwards. Did I eat too much chocolate, should I not have gone on that roadtrip, why me, why us? It’s not your fault, it happens, unfortunately more times than you might realize. Don’t give up, just know that God has a plan for you and KEEP TRYING! Not to lighten the situation, but you are more fertile after this. We got pregnant the very next month after my first period and I’m blessed today with a healthy 1 year old little boy. Good luck to you and your TTC journey. Thank you for sharing your story, I truly love your blog! I pray for you, you’re in my thoughts and prayers. All the best!

    • Kristina replied: — August 8th, 2011 @ 2:07 pm

      Congratulations on your son! It is SO encouraging to hear of a similar story with a positive outcome! Thank you for the prayers!

  17. 17

    Katie — August 3, 2011 @ 2:34 pm

    sweet tina, i am so proud of you! those who don’t know you don’t realize what a big deal this was for you. i pray that the Lord will reward your courage and vulnerability with peace and encouragement through others. LOVE YOU MUCH!

    • Kristina replied: — August 8th, 2011 @ 2:07 pm

      thanks Katie! love you too girl

  18. 18

    Emilia Jane — August 3, 2011 @ 2:43 pm

    Thank you so much for sharing, I appreciate is so much.

    • Kristina replied: — August 8th, 2011 @ 2:26 pm


  19. 19

    Rose C. — August 3, 2011 @ 3:08 pm

    So very sorry for your loss. God will get you through this, rely on him in all things. Praying for you and your husband.

    • Kristina replied: — August 8th, 2011 @ 2:08 pm

      Thank you Rose

  20. 20

    abigail.road — August 3, 2011 @ 3:38 pm

    Your story is so close to my own, it’s eerie. We would have heard our babies heartbeat today. I’ve been wanting to write about our struggle this summer on my blog, but it just seems to hard…where do I start?
    Thank you for sharing this, and for making me feel like it’s okay to talk about this. So sorry for your loss.

    • Kristina replied: — August 8th, 2011 @ 1:53 pm

      I am SO SO sorry to hear that. Know that it’s okay to talk about it. Where to start? Write from your heart… try and put into words what you are feeling (it was the hardest thing to do, but also like I was getting a burden off of my chest). I found this article helpful with coming to the point of realizing it’s OKAY to talk about it:

  21. 21

    Natalie — August 3, 2011 @ 3:39 pm

    As hard as it is to talk about, I’m glad that you shared it with us! Look at all of the love and support you have in the blogging world. What a comfort to know that all of these wonderful people are thinking and praying for you!

    I had a miscarriage several years ago under very different circumstances (my husband was going off to war) and it IS hard to understand why things like this happen. I wish you lots of love and comfort!

    • Kristina replied: — August 8th, 2011 @ 2:08 pm

      Thank you Natalie 🙂

  22. 22

    Amy — August 3, 2011 @ 4:06 pm

    Sweet Tina, I’m so sorry. I obviously can’t begin to understand what you are going through, but I can relate to somethings you said. Specifically, “Or worse… women complaining about their pregnancies and/or their own children.” I’ve experienced frustration with that to. So much so, that I’ve even mentioned it to those people because although I am not married, it’s truly my heart’s desire to be married and have a family. To hear people complain about those blessings and that responsibility is so frustrating to me. Also, when you mention your blog friend’s suggestion to write this out…I wholeheartedly agree with that. My sister went through postpartum depression and like you, she chose to blog about it. I was so proud of her for that. You never know who might happen upon your blog and find great comfort & encouragement in knowing they are not alone in their situation. I will pray for you and Mike. God has great things in store for your family. 🙂

    • Kristina replied: — August 8th, 2011 @ 2:09 pm

      Thanks for the encouragement and prayers, Amy! I SO appreciate it… you have no idea.

  23. 23

    Rachel — August 3, 2011 @ 5:11 pm

    I’m so sorry, Tina! You and Mike are both so precious and will make wonderful parents. I can’t imagine how hard this is and my heart breaks for you. We will be praying for you as you heal physically and emotionally and that God will open doors for you as you seek to grow your family. I had a friend go through something similar and I couldn’t imagine how hard it was for her. Now she has an adorable one year old boy. I am definitely praying that you guys will have a similar outcome. We love you guys and are thinking about you!

    • Kristina replied: — August 8th, 2011 @ 2:11 pm

      Thank you, Rachel. We are so thankful for all of the prayers and encouragement. Hope to see ya’ll in Madison soon!

  24. 24

    Adrienne — August 3, 2011 @ 5:16 pm

    Hi Tina,
    I have just started to follow your blog, and was very sad to read today’s post. I have never experienced the pain or emotions you and your husband must be feeling right now, but I wanted to offer my sincerest sympathies. Thinking and praying for you, and your whole family!

    • Kristina replied: — August 8th, 2011 @ 2:11 pm

      Thank you Adrienne.

  25. 25

    Shawnda — August 3, 2011 @ 5:21 pm

    Oh, Tina. I’m so heartbroken for you guys. Just wanted to let you know that we’ll be praying for you.

    • Kristina replied: — August 8th, 2011 @ 2:12 pm

      Thanks for the prayers, girl.

  26. 26

    Becca — August 3, 2011 @ 5:31 pm

    I’ve never been to your blog before today. I was led here by a Tweet from a friend. I however, know exactly how you feel… EXACTLY! My story mirrored yours with 100% accuracy (even the full year of trying to get pregnant before my miscarriage). Here’s a virtual hug and my prayers that your story will end up as happily as mine did. It’s been 26 years since that horrible day, but now I have a beautiful 25 year old daughter and a handsome 19 year old son. God IS gracious, loving, compassionate, and true to His word. He will never EVER give you more than you can handle. The key is leaning on Him during the storms. God bless you and Mike. I’m very sorry for your loss.

    • Kristina replied: — August 8th, 2011 @ 2:13 pm

      Thank you for that Becca. It is SO encouraging to hear your story. I know God is in control and has a plan for us. Thank you for your prayers and sympathy.

  27. 27

    Katrin — August 3, 2011 @ 5:36 pm

    As I sit and read this post I am reminded how much my sister in law felt not once but twice, 6 months apart. I cannot begin to understand how you feel and nor do I pretend to.
    She just recently gave birth to my nephew and godson after another trying pregnancy which put her on bed rest after 11 weeks. We were waiting on eggshells the WHOLE pregnancy!
    But it was their time – baby Jordan made it.
    YOU my dear will have your time too. Maybe your body wasnt ready, maybe this was a test of true endurance and love.
    Whatever the reason is it will remain unexplained.
    But you did come out with many wonderful realizations and you will have your time when its right.
    Keep positive and thank you for sharing your life even if it is painful.

    • Kristina replied: — August 8th, 2011 @ 2:15 pm

      Thank you Katrin

  28. 28

    ErinsFoodFiles — August 3, 2011 @ 5:40 pm

    I’m so sorry to hear this. 🙁 I’ll be praying for you guys.

    • Kristina replied: — August 8th, 2011 @ 2:15 pm

      Thanks Erin…

  29. 29

    JulieD — August 3, 2011 @ 5:56 pm

    I’m so sorry for what you’re going through and for your loss. I started crying when I read the list of things you have learned so far. You’re both very strong and are so lucky to have such awesome family and friends. I’m thinking of you both. Huge hugs!

    • Kristina replied: — August 8th, 2011 @ 2:15 pm

      thank you so much Julie

  30. 30

    jaclyn — August 3, 2011 @ 6:06 pm

    i am so, so sorry to hear of your loss, and of you and Mike’s struggle. while i don’t have any children yet, i can only imagine how heartbreaking a situation like this is. my thoughts are with you both right now during this very trying time, and i know you two will get through this. i am so moved by your openness and strength during this ordeal, and just know that i am here for you completely. i know that you and your husband will be wonderful parents when the time comes, and i can’t wait to give you a big hug when i see you in New Orleans at the end of the month. sending you all the love in the world right now.

    • Kristina replied: — August 8th, 2011 @ 2:15 pm

      thank you girl… 🙂 I’m ready for New Orleans too!

  31. 31

    Jennifer@MotherThyme — August 3, 2011 @ 6:09 pm

    I am so sorry for your lose. I am sending lots of thoughts and prayers your way. I can relate to your struggles and thou there are no words to say to make this better I assure you there is light at the end of the tunnel. My husband and I struggled for years to try to get pregnant and month after month we were let down. We finally conceived via our second round IVF and now have twins. The entire journey has made us stronger and taught us patience. I send you the many warm thoughts to get your thru this difficult time.

    • Kristina replied: — August 8th, 2011 @ 2:16 pm

      thank you for the encouragement Jennifer

  32. 32

    Erin-Kay V. — August 3, 2011 @ 6:51 pm

    Usually I am a quiet blog reader, not usually one to comment on things. I stumbled on your blog a few months ago and have been faithfully reading ever since. Today, I am driven to write to you and tell you how very sorry I am for you and your husband’s loss. My heart broke for you as I read your story. However, I am very gladdened that you are leaning on the Lord, the Healer of all, to get you through all of this. It’s easy to say that, to know it’s true, that His timing is perfect, that He’ll work it all out… it’s much harder to actually believe it in your heart. Even though we don’t know each other, I will be lifting you and your husband up in prayer to our great Lord. Again, I am so very sorry.

    • Kristina replied: — August 8th, 2011 @ 2:17 pm

      we are so appreciative of your prayers… thank you

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    Sara — August 3, 2011 @ 8:40 pm

    Hi Kristina. First of all, I’m sorry for your loss. Second of all, thank you for sharing this. Third, I too recently miscarried. My hubby and I were planning to “start trying” in April, so I went off the pill in January. I’ve been tracking my cycle since then and suprisingly, I got pregnant in May. We thought things were going well, until I went in for an ultrasound to hear the heartbeat…but there wasn’t one. Though I was supposed to be 10 weeks, the babies size showed that it stopped developing at 8 weeks, 4 days. However, I didn’t miscarry natural, so I had to have a D&C surgery. Though my hubby and I strongly believe that God has a plan and everything happens for a reason, I’ll be the first to admit…it sucks bad! 🙂 We cried. Our family cried. And then we cried some more. But we are putting our trust in God that he’ll give us a family someday and you’ll be in my prayers for the same. Also, if you haven’t already, I highly recommend that you read the book Heaven is for Real. My doc recommended it to me and it provided both my husband and me with some comfort and closure to the whole ordeal. Hugs to you! And you’ll be in my thoughts.

    • Kristina replied: — August 8th, 2011 @ 2:19 pm

      I will definitely have to read that book. Thank you for your prayers… you will be in mine also. God has a plan for both of us… we just have to trust in it.

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    audra — August 3, 2011 @ 8:43 pm

    Praying for you.

    • Kristina replied: — August 8th, 2011 @ 2:19 pm

      thank you audra

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    Vanessa — August 3, 2011 @ 8:53 pm

    Hi Tina, Long time no talk. Im so sorry for your loss. I pray God has every blessing for you and your family & knows he has plans for you and Mike. You know, the same thing happened to Santina (last week Wednesday) and perhaps you could talk with her. She too was extremely sad as well as her husband and kids. I thought it would be great for you two to talk. I remember how sweet you are and deserve everything and more…and you will. Love- your ex coworker- Vanessa Acosta (Garden of Life)

    • Kristina replied: — August 8th, 2011 @ 2:20 pm

      thank you Vanessa. so nice to hear from you. I will have to get in touch with Santina – please give her a big hug from me.

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    Leslie — August 3, 2011 @ 8:56 pm

    Ohhh noooo. I am sooooo sorry. God has a plan for everything. My sister went through a similar situation. 5 years of IVF and several miscarriages they gave up on having another child. Then BAM…3 days after she sold ALL of her baby things a a yard sale, she found out she was pregnant! No hormones..nothing!
    YOu will be in my thoughts

    • Kristina replied: — August 8th, 2011 @ 2:20 pm

      thank you Leslie

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    Kathy — August 3, 2011 @ 9:03 pm

    My heart breaks for you and Mike sweetheart. It is not something I talk about but I experienced this three times in our attempts to have a large family. One before Julie, One after Julie, and one about 10 years after Amy was born. With a couple of DNC’s thrown in for good measure. Greaving is so normal, but Hope and Grace are so much wraped around you right now… Love you more than you will ever know!

    Aunt Kathy

    • Kristina replied: — August 8th, 2011 @ 2:21 pm

      thanks aunt kathy & thanks for sharing. We need to get together over some cosmos 😉 love you!

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    Erin Branham — August 3, 2011 @ 9:18 pm

    Oh Tina! I’m so sorry! I had a miscarriage last May and then while I was pregnant with my 2 month old Evelyn we found out she was at a heightened risk for downs syndrome. She is completely fine, but we had to wait 19 weeks to find out for sure. It was so hard, but I can say on the other side of it that I feel at peace and healed. My sweet daughter Evelyn wouldn’t be my baby if I hadn’t had the miscarriage. God saw fit to give me this baby, and I trust and thank him. It’s bittersweet, but when you DO hold a baby in your arms I know you’ll rejoice. I pray that God would give you peace. That’s what I learned from my experience. I’ve never felt the comfort of God’s people through community like I did when we went through the miscarriage. And I am very (very) slowly learning to live at peace with whatever God has. I pray that for you too! LOTS of love and prayers.

    • Kristina replied: — August 8th, 2011 @ 2:23 pm

      thank you SO much for the prayers Erin. I think God is teaching my “always has a plan” self that I am not in control- HE is. I pray for the day that I can look at our child and know that THIS is the child God has for us. Thanks again for your prayers and encouragment.

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    Lindsay @ The Lean Green Bean — August 3, 2011 @ 9:49 pm

    my heart is aching for you. thinking of you and your hubby. xo

    • Kristina replied: — August 8th, 2011 @ 2:23 pm

      thank you Lindsay

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    The Redneck Princess — August 3, 2011 @ 11:00 pm

    I am so sorry to hear of your loss Tina, hugs to both you and Mike xoxox

    • Kristina replied: — August 8th, 2011 @ 2:23 pm

      thank you/

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    Christa Mathisen — August 3, 2011 @ 11:17 pm

    Tina. Tina. Tina. You are AMAZING for being able to share this. I am so sorry for your loss and we will definitely keep you and Mike in our prayers. Have faith …God WILL get you through this, you can do anything through His strength.

    We love you.

    • Kristina replied: — August 8th, 2011 @ 2:23 pm

      Thanks Christa. Love you guys too 🙂

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    Michelle — August 4, 2011 @ 8:11 am

    I’m so sorry to hear this, Kristina. (((HUGS))) Lifting you and your husband up in prayer. God certainly has a plan for you and Mike, and I love that you’re clinging to His promise that He will work all things together for good.

    Sweetest blessings to you, Kristina.

    • Kristina replied: — August 8th, 2011 @ 2:24 pm

      thank you Michelle… we covet those prayers!

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    Amanda and Emily — August 4, 2011 @ 11:24 am

    We love you, Mike and Tina. You’ve got prayers and thoughts from us.

    • Kristina replied: — August 8th, 2011 @ 2:24 pm

      thanks girls- we love you too

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    Josie — August 4, 2011 @ 11:43 am

    I’m so sorry that you are going through this, Kristina. I’m praying for your comfort and peace during this difficult time.

    • Kristina replied: — August 8th, 2011 @ 2:24 pm

      thank you so much Josie

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    RhodeyGirl — August 4, 2011 @ 12:06 pm

    I’m sitting here bawling my eyes out.

    I’m so sorry for your loss Tina.

    As I believe you know (not sure if you remember that convo) I had a miscarriage last fall. It was horrible, and reading about your feelings now brings back my feelings then.

    I don’t know if this will give you comfort, but my doctor said that many first pregnancies don’t make it and it does NOT mean at all that anything is wrong. It just means it wasn’t a successful pregnancy for one reason or another. When your heart and body heal and you are both ready, start your TTC journey again.

    I’ll be saying prayers for you girl.

    And PS- Feel free to email me. I’ve been through it. I can relate.

    • Kristina replied: — August 8th, 2011 @ 2:25 pm

      thanks for all of your encouragement Sabrina… know that it is SO appreciated.

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    A\ — August 4, 2011 @ 12:23 pm

    Praying for you in this hard time Tina. We serve the God of all comfort and peace who has felt the very same afflictions as us. Hold firmly onto the truths in scripture, they will carry you through. “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.” Rom 8:18

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    Kirsten — August 4, 2011 @ 2:42 pm

    Dear Tina,
    Thank you for sharing….I know that was difficult. Bill and I had a miscarriage and it takes your breath away…Know that God and his people will continue to comfort you, love you and encourage you. You have no idea how God will use this experience in your life and how right now He is using you to comfort and encourage others. Love you!

    • Kristina replied: — August 8th, 2011 @ 2:27 pm

      Thank you Kirsten. I know God has a purpose in all of this and I’m slowly starting to see glimmers of what it is.

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    Sarah — August 5, 2011 @ 8:31 am

    I’m so sorry to hear about your loss Tina. I’m glad you were able to share, because you’re right-it does help others to read what you’ve gone through. I’m thinking and praying for you and your family.

    • Kristina replied: — August 8th, 2011 @ 2:27 pm

      thank you Sarah

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    Robin — August 5, 2011 @ 12:43 pm

    I am very sorry for your loss. I lost a baby too and I know how difficult it can be. I remember feeling like people just didn’t understand how you felt that this was already your baby. The baby that you had all of these hopes and dreams for, the baby you had already started making all kinds of plans for, and then it’s just gone in an instant. It was devastating. That was 7 years ago, and time has healed some of the pain. I have a feather framed to remind everyone that we have an angel in heaven waiting for us. I went on to have 2 more children after that baby. And now that I look back, I realize that God knew of things that I would be facing ahead, and that maybe it wasn’t the right time for me. Only with time was I able to see that. I am so sorry for you and your husband. I too would recommend the book Heaven Is For Real. It may provide some comfort to you. Thanks for your bravery in sharing your story. Not only are you helping yourself, you are helping so many others who are going through the same thing.

    • Kristina replied: — August 8th, 2011 @ 2:28 pm

      Thank you Robin

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    brandi@BranAppetit — August 5, 2011 @ 1:24 pm

    I am just catching up on everything from being gone last week and I am so, so sorry. Praying for you and Mike and sending big hugs your way.

    • Kristina replied: — August 8th, 2011 @ 2:28 pm

      thanks girl… i so appreciate it.

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